bedtime

Favorite young mom moment – smooshing my nose into soft tow-heads sniffing in the cleanness of freshly bathed toddlers, willing the scent and sensation to sear itself into my mother-heart memories, for I knew, even on the longest of days, it would fade too quickly.

Like the washing off of dirt and sweat from a busy day, the bath and bedtime ritual seemed to wash away any faults of the day as well, and leaving clean fresh full hearts in its wake.

So tired, though. My kids never missed a beat when I would fall asleep first, slurring the words of their favorite bedtime stories mid-page.

Sleep is my favorite. Filling up the reservoir and strapping on the mask of my CPAP. Snuggling down into my blankets–for I’ve somehow lost the cover of my old, patchy comforter and am currently making do with a small soft pastel quilt made with love for me on my 50th birthday, topped by a cream waffle-weave summer blanket. I curl up on my left side–which has always been my favorite, and turn on a TED Talk down low in order to distract my brain from the worries of the day or the ever-running and always overdue to-do list in my head.

I can fall asleep in five minutes and relish a bread from the buzzing of monkeys in my brain and the relentless background buzz zzz-ing through my head these days. It’s brief but delicious respite from aches and pains of the joints and of the heart.

Staying asleep is the trick. Once I wake up, it takes awhile. Last night it took me 3 TED Talks and at least 50 minutes into a TED Radio Hour podcast. And then I woke up again a couple hours later.

Oh well. Sleep is still a sweet oblivion, even if brief.

Goodnight.

[Day 195 of Ann Dee Ellis’ 8-Minute Memoir.]