Sometimes I get text from one of my kids in the middle of the day because all chaos is breaking out at home and they want me to fix it for them.
I can tell you that nothing I ever have to deal with or fix at work is ever as hard as trying to deal with someone’s crisis at school or at home or wherever.
Sometimes it’s a big knock-down drag-out fight and things are getting broken that may never get fixed. Or, worse, things are being said that can never be unsaid.
In all caps, of course.
And knowing that this is what is going on at home *while I am at work pains my mother heart. And, already being pained by all the things that I know are already broken and all the things I know can never be unsaid, I feel a little bit of despair.
Sometimes I go home and it doesn’t get any better until I go to bed and surrender (if I’m lucky) to the mind-numbness that is sleep.
Sometimes I go home and I plow through it and I try to be some sort of salve on the wounds of the day and I make dinner even though the kitchen is a disaster (you know, because I wasn’t home) and we eat together (or mostly together) and sometimes (but not always) breaking bread together helps just a little bit.
And sometimes a little bit later one of the kids that was fighting asks the other one if he or she wants to watch a movie together. And even though are other places to be and homework to be done, **I let them.
When that happens, hope replaces dispair.
lest ye judge:
*1. I am working outside the home after being a SAHM for 17 years and because the spirit told me I should apply for this job. And when I almost quit the job the spirit told me I should not quit it, so I stayed. 2. I used to work only the hours my kids were in school, so I was still, in a sense, a SAHM. That changed over the summer, when I had to increase my hours and I am still struggling with my my work-life balance.
**Sometimes, particularly when you have teenagers, being a mom is about making hard choices. Maybe one of these days I will write more about some of the hard choices I make (see above).