Like my dear friend b., I avoid New Year’s resolutions. Unless forced to, I rarely attempt something unless I know I will be good at at. In actually admitting that just now, I realize that means I am operating from a place of fear, from a perspective of scarcity rather than of abundance.

But a recent post at Segullah about playing big turned me on to this quote (which, I believe, is actually by Marianne Williamson) and I’ve been mulling it over:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Today I am considering one thing I can change in the way I live my life that will give me the courage to shine. At the moment I think it has something to do with having the courage to ask God (and really mean it) each morning what he wants me to do with that day (instead of asking for help to do what I want to do with it) and seeking the courage to actually do it.

And on those days when I feel too used up or I get too busy and I forget, I will just remind myself to try again tomorrow by remembering this:

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Without feeling pressure to make a resolution, what is one thing you would change to help you shine even a little brighter?

Three days.

I took the past three days–the last three days–off of work so I could spend time with my Luke before he leaves. Shane and the rest of the kids are in school. I told Luke we could do whatever he wanted. I let him know if he wanted to spend time with friends that was OK, too. I was just going to clear my schedule and be there for him.

We shopped. We went to lunch with my mom. We ate breakfast together. We saw a couple of movies. We wasted some time in the Social Security office (do not get me started). We both watched in amazement as threads from both our pasts–a friend and former co-worker of mine and a dearly loved Primary teacher of Luke’s to name a few–wove their ways back into our lives at just the opportune moments to say hello and good-bye.

Today we are going to the temple one more time.

We did get a lot done. We talked and we laughed together. And thanks to the thoughts and prayers of dear friends (you know who you are and I thank you all) I’ve been able to keep the tears to a minimum. I think I managed to keep the nagging about the thank-you notes to a minimum, too (and now I’m letting it go–I could tell from those he did write that he gets it. And with this little time left it’s not worth damaging the relationship to go on about something over which I have no control).

Looking back over the past 19 years with a critical eye I realize there are, of course, a few (probably many) should-have-dones and would-have-done-differentlies.

Looking back over the past three days I wouldn’t change a thing.

I love you Luke. You are a good soul. I’m proud of you. I will miss you something fierce. But this is a wonderful thing. Your service will make the world a better place.

God speed.

Love,

Mom

So we went to West Yellowstone for one last hurrah before our little family changes forever when our oldest birdie flies away next month.

I already mentioned our room with a view.
i got up early every morning and read in an adirondack chair on our deck, finishing two books–The Bonesetter’s Daughter and The Picture of Dorian Gray

I knew I would love Mack’s Inn as soon as we arrived late Sunday evening and found the office closed up but discovered a handwritten welcome note addressed to us from my friend Jaime letting us know LeGrand had opened our condo (Did I mention it was rustic? We kept calling it the cabin because it was more cabin than condo. And that was all right by us.) and that we could check in sometime the next morning. That’s my kind of hospitality. The Ellisons used to live a block away from us and are now running Mack’s Inn. It was great to see them again, and we loved getting the inside scoop on places to see from people who know and love the area.

I’d like to tell you we just lounged around by the river the entire time.
us lounging around by the river

But I still worked hard to keep my ducks in a row.

I love Yellowstone Park because it has a little something for everyone.

I fell in love with the abundant wildflowers.

i shot pics of entire meadowfuls of wildflowers, but somehow lost them. darn. i guess i’ll have to go back…

K~ liked it hot.
dragon’s mouth

waiting for the old vaguely faithful to blow

thar she blows

Some people had to curb their enthusiasm.

L~ was outstanding in the river.

Z~ was always behind the camera.

Luke explained everything to us in scientific terms.
notice how we’re the only ones getting wet

I picked up a new phrase for when things aren’t going so well…
oh buffalo butt!

And saw what it means to be really buff…

I think we all loved the waterfalls.

But Mesa Falls were my favorite.

It was not at all just for the birds, but they seemed to like it too.

osprey nest in a dead tree from my view and close up from a telescope

One of my very favorite things was the huckleberry jam and huckleberry syrup. Sorry. I don’t have a picture because I ate it all up.

We put a lot of miles on our car. Had some mediocre barbecue in West Yellowstone. (Next time we go I want to drive clear to Jackson Hole for some Bubba’s Barbecue). Ate buffalo. And huckleberry ice cream. Got wet. Stayed cool. Ran the river in a raft. Got a little too much sun. Laughed a lot. Loved being disconnected from TV, landline, Internet and cell phone. Rekindled old friendships and made a few new friends, too.

All in all we had a really great time. We loved it so much we decided we want to go back next year. Luke, we’ll be sure to send you a postcard!

It’s just after seven a.m. I’ve been awake since 4:54. Shane and Luke just left with my youngest son and five other energetic cub scouts for day camp at Jerimiah Johnson. (I know. It’s my calling. But I need to be to work today.) Daughter is at a sleepover. (I know. I’m a hypocrite. I call it flexible parenting. Whatever.) Z~ is at Youth Conference. (OK. So you get no apologies from me on that one.)

I don’t have to be to work for another couple of hours. Home alone. Free time. How am I going to spend it? Do I…

A. Go back to bed.

B. Read the newspaper.

C. Curl up with a quilt and a good book.

D. Crank up my soundtrack from Sweet Home Alabama and start a batch of laundry, do the dishes and scrub out the shower.

E. Start that batch of Rain-scented soap I’ve been itching to make.

F. Clear off my sewing table and knock out a couple of quilt blocks.

G. Go to work early so I can either put in a couple of extra hours or come home early.

H. All of the above.

What would you do?

Praise be for cloud cover during the Freedom Festival Grand Parade.

And way to go PHS drumline! I love to hear percussion and you really rock!

(warning: Some parts of the following video may require Dramamine and there will be a brief quiz at the following the film.)

Mine is the tall, good-looking amoeba with the long hair playing the tenor drums

Quiz:

The blurriness you witness in the above video is the result of one of the following:

A). Artistic choices made for perfectly good reason (something along the lines of style and interpretation) in post production.

B). Deliberate action taken to protect the innocent from creepy online predators who have a strange attraction to band uniforms.

C). Something going terribly wrong because a newbie did the compressing during the export and took at wild guess at the correct format (read: had not any more of a clue as to what she was doing than she has about what any of the preceding words actually mean).

D) The producer realizing she did not have the correct software needed to convert the higher quality video she created the second time around from .dv to MPEG-4.

Happy 4th of July!!!

Remember those summers when you were still a kid? The ones that seemed so full of free time they were going to last forever? The ones during which there were days you had nothing better to do than to lie on the grass on your back and look up at the clouds and try do discover fish or dinosaurs or the face of your third grade teacher?

This is definitely not that summer. But even though summer doesn’t officially begin until Saturday, I am still loving my summer. I am loving the fact that this year I made it until the middle of June before turning on my AC (frankly, after my last post, I’m extremely thankful to have a functional AC knock on wood). I am loving spending every night at the ball park (still). I’m even learning to relish all the aspects of it–the hot sun beating down on my head. Sweat rolling down my back. Dust flying up in my face as girl after girl slides into home. (Congratulations Sunbirds, who finished the regular season in first place! Dear Cubs, I am sorry you are currently 0 and 8, but it has been so much fun to see how much you all are improving! Good luck Cubs and Sundbirds in tournament play!)

We inaugurated the almost-official arrival of summer on Sunday night, with the first batch of homemade ice cream. Loganberry. It was delicious. I wish you could have been here.

So what about you? I’m taking the cue from my good friend Sue and declaring today de-lurk day. I don’t have a stat counter so I really have no idea if anyone is reading. But I always hope if you’re reading here you’ll feel comfortable enough to comment here.

It’s your turn now: How’s your summer going so far? Got any plans? Or is just not having plans part of the joy of summer?

(yeah, that’s really me, HA!)

Having fun. Wish you were here. Don’t know when I’ll be back…but in the meantime, Happy Easter and Happy Spring!

Now where’d that cabana boy go???

A bright light went out in blog world today.

It was completely unexpected. And I have no idea why. But one of our funniest, most tender and most honest bloggers pulled the plug today. So I’d like to take a moment to say good-bye to my dear friend b.

i gotta b. was one of my favorite haunts. And one of the first blogs I checked of my daily dozen. There’s nothing quite like keepin’ it real and that’s one thing you could always expect from b. I’d love to link some of my favorite gotta b. posts, but just like that they’re all gone, too.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m still in a little bit of shock right now. But since she turned off her comments on her farewell post, if you’d like to leave a word for her in the comments section here I’ll print them and make sure they find their way to her.

Love ya b. It won’t be quite as real here without you.

But I’ll leave the light on for ya.

p.s. If, like me, you’re still feeling broken up about this, do head on over to carronin’s and have yourself a good cry.

And do take a tissue.

Preferably Puff’s Plus with Aloe.

(Will someone please explain to me why a Google image search for longboarding Provo Canyon gives me a photo of Anna Kournikova in a bikini and a brown bag with a Trader Joe’s logo on it? But no photo of anyone longboarding down Provo Canyon? I’m just a wondering.)

This is the post in which I admit out loud how much fun teenagers can be.

I. To Fly

Last night for some unexplicable reason (and against my better judgment) I found myself driving up Provo Canyon at 11:05 p.m. to take my son and some of his friends up for one last ride. I was torn. Sure I am aware of the risks. But I also remember exactly what it feels like to be a teenager. To want something so badly and yet have that desire completely unacknowledged or understood by anyone else. Particularly by your own parents.

Besides, doesn’t this look like fun? I kinda think if it weren’t for a bad knee or two (um. or the fact that I just might look a little ridiculous on one) I’d have a go at it myself.

I did insist Z~ wear a helmet. It was more or less pitch black outside. I also waited at the bottom of the canyon for them so I could make sure they got down OK. The wait wasn’t bad. There was a cool breeze in the night air. And it was nice to hang out and listen to a great piano recording and enjoy some rare solitude.

My warnings about how dark it would be had been completely laughed off, but I was secretly pleased when one of the boys who joined them cautioned they’d have to take it a bit slower because it was the other kid’s first time. Upon their return I did overhear them telling some other potential riders how dark it was (and how slowly they went because of it). Kids just have to discover some things for themselves. I guess we are all a little like that.

Isn’t that kind of why we are here?

I was glad last night I had relented and given a few inches when something really mattered to my kid. At one point (after I already had consented) Z~ pointed out that there were some way more stupid things he could be doing. And he’s right. I’ve done some of them myself (but don’t tell him that).

Z~ is my child who would probably be doing something like this if Utah weren’t landlocked

This morning Z~’s friend showed up at 7:06 a.m. and dragged him out of bed to do some weeding for me in the back yard (they owe me some money). Teenagers can be bought. And because I always negotiate fairly I think that’s a good thing.

II. To Eat

At 7:30 this morning three cute pajama-clad girls came to kidnap my oldest son and take him out for lingonberry crepes at IHOP. They had called earlier in the week wanting to kidnap him at 4:30 a.m. on a weekday so he could be back in time to get ready for work at 6:15. I subtly suggested perhaps Saturday would be a much better day because then they could go at a more reasonable hour and they wouldn’t be so tired for the rest of the week. (If you suspect I had ulterior motives in that you would be completely correct.)

These kids have all been friends since they were four or five years old. They don’t hang out together so much at school, but the ties that bind them run long and deep. It feels good to see them doing something fun together early on Saturday morning.

III. To Sleep

My daughter had two friends sleep over last night. (I got a loaded dishwasher and a relatively clean guest bathroom out of that request.) The staying-up-all-night-and-being-silly-only-to-be-snotty-the-next-day is one of my main issues with the occasional sleepovers I do allow. But amazingly the girls were already asleep when I returned home from Provo Canyon. And sometimes that’s when tween girls are the sweetest.

I was making homemade buttermilk biscuits and sausage and eggs for breakfast when the girls woke up. Z~ and his friend Joe had already downed their share. But L~ and her friends don’t have time for breakfast, I’m informed. They got up early to go help clean house for their friend whose mother just had a baby and will be coming home today. L~’s willingness to do something thoughtful like that sort of makes up for the resistance I get when I ask her to do something for me. At least this morning I see some of the important lessons we are trying to teach her are sinking in. Maybe it will all come out right in the end.

It’s kind of fun watching your kids grow up into the people they are supposed to become. Watching them hang with friends. Do a chore they really loathe, but do it better because they’ve got good company. Become passionate about something, learning to suck the marrow out of something they really love. Do something nice for someone else.

Isn’t that kind of why we are here?